The Magic Bean
by Twilight-chan
Summary: What happens when Heero over-sugars his coffee? Or even *drinks* coffee, for that matter? And, furthermore, what happens when Haroku-sama shows up???
1. I am Buddha

Author's note: There is no food in my house and I'm banned from the TV, so   
I guess this will have to do.^^ This is an attempt to make a humor fic. I   
myself will make an appearance in this one, as Haroku-sama the evil   
authoress.O.o (Warning! Wufei bashing!) (a little Duo bashing too, but I   
tease with love.)  
Disclaimer: )sigh( I do not own Gundam Wing. Sunrise/Sotsu and Bandai and   
all those people do. I'm only 13, so don't sue me pleez. Have a nice day.  
  
~@-/--~ Chibi-Haroku  
  
The Magic Bean  
  
Everyone is spending spring break at (one of) Relena's summer house in   
Florida. It's been a pretty boring week, but that's about to change.  
  
~¤~¤~¤~¤~¤~¤~¤~  
  
~Duo slurps his coffee rather loudly and motions to Heero. The warm   
aroma does nothing to his grim expression.~  
Duo: Try it.  
Heero: No.  
Duo: Why not?  
Heero: Hn.  
Duo: Come on! You cannot live a full life without coffee, my friend. Just try   
it.  
Heero: It'll stunt my growth.  
Duo: News flash! You've stopped growing. Just try some! ~Heero deathglares   
him, but he doesn't falter. He'd gotten used to his friend's dangerous eyes~  
Duo: Don't try that stunt on me, pal. Come on! The Perfect Soldier… huh, you   
don't even have the guts to drink coffee! ~He grumbles so that Heero can   
hear him. In one swift move, Heero grabs the mug from Duo and gulps half   
of it down. He facefaults and his eyes water, he swallows, and hands Duo the   
mug.~  
Heero: Needs. Sugar. }gulp{  
Duo: ~laughs, gets a porcelain bowl out of the cabinet~ Knock yourself out,   
buddy.  
~Heero pours himself a mug of coffee and sips it before adding the entire   
bowl of sugar. Duo sweatdrops.~  
Duo: Whoa, you sure about that much? That kind of stuff'l keep you bouncing   
off the walls into next week!  
Heero: I know my sugar, Duo.  
Duo: Fine.  
Heero: Fine.  
Duo and Heero: Fine!  
~As Heero finishes the coffee, Duo sees a change in him. He's never seen   
this side of Heero before. His eye is twitching, and his hands are trembling.   
His dark mischevious (??) eyes dart around the room.~  
Heero: Thanksman. Thatwasreallygood. Itneededmoresugarthough.  
Duo: ~sweatdrops and pales~ You okay? You seem…  
Heero: Silence! Iwillnottoleratethatkindofattitudefromyou,youngman!  
Duo: ~slaps forehead~ Why do I do these things?  
~Heero walks down the hallway, hands and arms trembling as he giggles   
uncontrollably.~  
Duo: ~facefaults~ I've created a monster… ~realizes something~ ~grins   
roguishly~ I've created a video opportunity!  
  
Later…  
  
Trowa: …Check.  
Wufei: Injustice! Your queen is a weak onna for placing this dishonor on   
royalty! ~(cue forehead vein)~  
…Did somebody mention a queen?{ comes a voice from wherever those voices   
always come from~  
~A teenage girl with brown hair wearing a black tube top, maroon pants,   
humongous black combat boots and a bright red and black cape appears out   
of wherever the authoresses appear from~  
Trowa: ~pales~ …oh…no…  
Wufei: Buddha preserve me!  
Heero: I am the great Buddha!(1) ~he slides in from the hallway, decked out   
in yellow bedsheets with a lopsided red dot on his forehead.  
Wufei: ~doing a very good impression of a chimney, with steam pouring out   
his ears~ INJUSTICE! You MOCK the great and holy BUDDHA!  
Duo: ~is crouched behind a potted plant, snickers~  
Heero: Bow and worship me, O unworthy Servant!  
Haroku-Sama: Duo! Who said to let Heero near the coffee? ~deathglares   
him~  
Duo: ~facefaults and pales~ ahhh… umm… you see…  
Haroku-Sama: ~deathglare turns into the Mexican Stink Eye (2)~  
Duo: ~pales even more, shields his eyes~ Aaaaiiigghhh!!!! Please spare me,   
Haroku-Sama!!!  
Haroku-Sama: Why? You have created one of the best humor fanfics in the   
world!  
Duo: ~sighs, wipes forehead~  
Wufei: ~still fuming~  
Heero: How dare you bestow such dishonor on Buddha! ~strikes an incredibly   
weird pose with arms and legs jutting out into weird directions, while kicking   
Wufei in the head~  
Trowa: ~is trying to suppress laughter~  
~Quatre walks in, sees Heero and busts out laughing~  
Haroku-Sama: Heero, what inspired you to become the holy icon of   
Buddhism?  
Heero: ~strikes another weird pose~ I was blessed by the magic bean of   
Coff-y! ~smiles a toothy grin that takes up half his face~  
Quatre: ~continues to laugh, tears pouring out his eyes~   
Haroku-Sama: SCENE CHANGE!!!  
Quatre: No, wait! I wanna see more! ~falls over laughing~  
  
  



	2. Between God and Fishes

Hey Yallz! This is picking up from the end of Part 1.  
  
Haroku-Sama: SCENE CHANGE!!!  
Quatre: No, wait! I wanna see more! ~falls over laughing~  
  
The Magic Bean, Part 2  
  
Whommmm…  
  
~They have all miraculously moved to the humongous Olympic-sized pool~  
Relena: AAAGGHH! How did you all get here!  
Quatre: Scene change.  
Relena: Oh. Um… what's wrong with Heero?  
~Heero is in a blue swimming cap and green swim trunks, prancing aroung the   
pool deck~  
Heero: I wish to be a fish! I wish to be a fish!  
Duo: If you're the holy Buddha, why don't you use your holy magic bean of   
Coff-y to change yourself into a fish? ~snickers, holds up camera~  
Heero: I am not Buddha! When was I Buddha? How could you think I was   
Buddha? Why would I want to be Buddha? Who saw me be Buddha? I was   
never Buddha! ~continues the fish chant~  
Everyone: falls over laughing, Relena almost drowns  
Heero: I shall save you! The magic bean of Coff-y has blessed me with   
unimaginable power! ~belly-flops into pool~  
Relena: No, really, I'm fine…  
~Heero grabs her arm and drags her to the edge of the pool~  
Everyone: ~continues laughing~  
Heero: Ah! Now that that is taken care of, I must punish the O   
Disrespectful one! ~walks over to Duo, picks him up (he has superhuman   
strength from the magic bean of Coff-y) and throws him into the wall of   
Relena's house, making a rather large dent~  
Relena: AAAAA! My house!  
Heero: Do not fear, miss! I shall punish the O Disrespectful One even more!  
Haroku-Sama: No, you don't have to. I'll rewind.  
~tend egral rehtar a gnikam ,esuoh s'aneleR fo llaw eht otni mih sworht dna   
(y-ffoC fo naeb cigam eht morf htgnerts namuhrepus sah eh) pu mih skcip   
,ouD ot revo sklaw~ !eno luftcepsersiD O eht hsinup tsum I ,fo erac nekat si   
taht taht woN !hA :oreeH  
Haroku-Sama: There we go. Heero, What are you going to do now?  
Heero: Ahahahehehehehahaheheeeaahhehaheahehaheohohoohoeohoaoeh!  
Duo: Oh God.  
Heero: You called? ~is suddenly wearing white bedsheets, looking very holy   
and calm~(3)  
Wufei: ~snorts~ at least he's not being Buddha.  
Trowa: …How does he do that?  
Haroku-Sama: Coffee magic. Study your fanfics! ~hits him upside the head~  
Trowa: ~rubs head~ …I apologize, Haroku-Sama.  
Quatre: ~snickers~   
Heero: ~is still standing with a calm look on his face, with hands together~  
Duo: This is getting boring. What do you wanna do?  
Haroku-Sama: ~pulls out a pair of scissors~ I dunno, what do you wanna do?  
~Duo's face now goes the color of the bedsheets 'God' is wearing. He begins   
to tremble and back away~  
Duo: No. Not that. Anything but that! Please no. Oh God, no.  
Heero: ~walks over and shields Duo~ All right.  
Haroku-Sama: Out of my way, God!  
Heero: ~steps aside~ As you wish.  
Duo: Noooooo! NO, Heero- I mean God- I thought you were my friend! Help!   
Save me! Nooo, not that! Spare me, Haroku-Sama!  
Heero: ~smiles a Godly smile~ I am sorry, my child. ~deep Godly voice~ This   
is too rich.  
Quatre: Duo, gimme the camera! I have got to get this on tape!  
Duo: NO! ~grabs tight on camera~  
Quatre: ~runs over and pulls it out of his fear-weakened arms~  
Duo: Noooooo!  
Quatre: Rolling!  
~the girls emerge from the house where they had been… you know, girl talk.   
Hilde sees Duo being menaced with the scissors~  
Hilde: NO! Don't hurt him! Please, Haroku-Sama! ~runs down the steps~  
Haroku-Sama: Do not fear, Hilde. I'm just getting rid of this awful braid. A   
little help here!  
~Wufei and Trowa walk over and help to restrain him. 'God' looks on with a   
Godly smile, and Quatre has everything on tape.~  
Duo: HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!! HHIIIIILLLDDDEEEE!  
Hilde: Look how he's screaming! Don't, please! ~goes into bubble mode~ That   
braid is his one love! (besides me, of course) He wouldn't be the same   
without it!  
Haroku-Sama: Mr. Melodramatic, who asked you to come here!  
Mr. Melodramatic: Sorry. ~floats away to possess a Deathfic.  
Hilde: Go Haroku! Chop that braid!  
Duo: AAAAIIII—Trowa whacks him upside the head, knocking him out.  
Catherine: Yay Trowa! My hero!  
Heero: Yes? ~is suddenly back to the tank top and spandex~  
Dorothy: How does he do that?  
H-S, W, T, Q, R: Coffee magic.  
Heero: Coffeemagicthatstillhasn'twornoffyet.   
Heheahahaoehaoehahahaheoeoehahhahahaheheoehahoehaohe!  
Haroku-Sama: I liked it better when you were God.  
Heero: Too bad.  
~Haroku-Sama finally chops off the braid, trims Duo's hair perfectly, then   
smacks him to wake him up~  
Duo: OW! ~immediately checks the back of his head~   
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmph   
~Haroku-Sama puts her hand over his mouth and carries him to a full-length   
mirror~  
Haroku-Sama: Now SHUT UP!  
Duo: ~wipes the tears from his eyes, looks at his reflection~ Hey…  
Hilde: Here it comes.  
Duo: ~flexes his 'muscles'~ I am dead sexy! Yeah! What what! Who's that?   
That's Duo, man! Dead sexy! ~continues to pose in the mirror~  
Quatre: this is too rich. ~is getting it all on tape~  
Wufei: You are weak for putting up such a commotion about your hair!  
Sally: Can it ~smacks him upside the head~  
Wufei: Ha! You weak onna! You cannot cause me pain!  
Sally: Try me. ~smacks him so that he flies a few hundred feet in the air and   
lands in the pool~  
~Duo is still talking to himself in the mirror~  
Heero: I'mbored. Whatshouldwedonow?   
Ahahaoaooheheehahaheheheheohohohoehaoeoehoaheheoaohehahaha!  
Haroku-Sama: I say certain people who need to lighten up should be blessed   
with the magic bean of Coff-y.  
Heero: Goodidea. Whoshouldweblessfirst? Ahahahaohaoeheohashahaa!  
Haroku-Sama: The silent one and the womanizer.  
Quatre: I know! I know! Trowa and Wufei!  
Trowa: …WHAT about me?  
Haroku-Sama: You need to be blessed by the magic bean of Coff-y. SCENE   
CHANGE!  
Duo: No, wait, I'm not done! HEY!  
  
  



	3. And then, the Coff-y Blessed Ones...

Picking up from Part 2…  
  
Haroku-Sama: You need to be blessed by the magic bean of Coff-y. SCENE   
CHANGE!  
Duo: No, wait, I'm not done! HEY!  
  
The Magic Bean, Part 3  
  
Whommmm:  
  
~They are now in the overly large kitchen. Trowa and a very wet Wufei are   
tied to chairs, getting ready to be blessed with the magic bean.~  
Wufei: INJUSTICE! RELENA, YOU WEAK ONNA, YOU WILL PAY FOR   
LETTING THEM DO THIS TO ME!  
Relena: I think it's great. You need to get some good-old-fashioned caffeine   
and sugar in your veins!   
Trowa: … … … … … …  
Heero: Iwasblessedwiththewholebowlofsugar.Youwillbetoo! ~he begins to   
force-feed Wufei with the highly sugared coffee~  
Catherine: Trowa, your turn! ~she goes to feed him, but he just grabs it and   
downs it in one gulp. Everyone sweatdrops. Trowa's weird hair stands on end   
and his eye twitches, just like Heero's did.~  
Heero: Aha!Itisworking!Youhavebeenblessed!  
Trowa: Ahahaahaoheohehaoehahaheha! WhatmadeyouthinkIdidn'tlikecoffee?  
Heero: ~hugs him and grins~ Wearecoffeeblessedbrothersnow!  
Wufei: INJUSTICEINJUSTICEINJUSTICEINJUSTICE!   
Thisblessingismakingmefeelextremelyabsurd! ~jumps out of his chair and   
joins Heero and Trowa~  
Trowa: Thecoffeeblessedoneswillconquertheworld!  
Heero: Couldn'thavesaiditbettermyself!  
Wufei: Justicehasbeenservedtothesilentoneandthewomanizer!  
~Heero, Trowa, and Wufei burst out the door and start running around in   
circles in the extremely large backyard. They stir up an enourmous dust   
cloud.~  
Haroku-Sama: ~pours herself a mug of sugary coffee and drinks it~   
WaitformeOCoffeeBlessedOnes! ~she runs out to where they have moved to   
the pool and joins them in prancing about the deck saying "I wish to be a   
fish!"~  
Quatre: ~is still taping this whole thing~  
Duo: ~is admiring himself in the chrome surface of the coffee-maker~  
Everyone else: O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o O.o  
  
The Next Morning:  
Wufei: Ehhhh… Injust… oh, never mind…  
Trowa: … … … my head… … …  
Heero: Hn………  
Haroku-Sama: What, you mean you guys have never had a caffeine hangover   
before? Weaklings!  
~Everyone else is sleeping with smiles on their faces. The night before they   
had watched the entire tape, entitled "The Perfect Soldier, The Silent One,   
and The Womanizer on Coffee"~  
Duo: Come on Quatre, try some!  
Quatre: No.  
  
~¤~¤~The End!!!!! ^-^~¤~¤~  
  
1.I apologize to all Buddhists who may be reading this fic. It's pretty   
funny though!  
2.The Mexican Stink eye is something that I do that freaks out a couple   
of the guys I hang out with. I open my right eye wide, but I hold up my   
lower eyelid on my left eye. It's hard to picture, but they think it's   
the freakiest thing ever.  
3.I also apologize to all Christians who find this offensive.  
  
AN: Haroku is a chick from a manga I made. For all you Japanese people, it   
probably means like 'chair' or something. Either that or it sounds like a boy's   
name. Anyway, I changed my penname to Chibi-Haroku. (I like it to be up in   
the A/B/C/D/E/F archive, cuz that's where everybody goes first)  
  
~@-/--~ Chibi-Haroku  



End file.
